Deep Thoughts

* Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.

* If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that considered a hostage situation?

* Just think how much deeper the ocean would be if sponges didn't live there.

* I went for a walk last night and my kids asked me how long I'd be gone. I said, "The whole time."

* So whats the speed of dark?

* After eating, do amphibians need to wait an hour before getting OUT of the water?

* Why don't they just make mouse-flavoured cat food?

* If you're sending someone some styrofoam, what do you pack in it?

* I just got skylights put in my place. The people who live above me are furious.

* Why do they sterilise needles for lethal injections?

* Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

* Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

* If its tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

* Isn't Disney World a people-trap operated by a mouse?

* Whose cruel idea was it for the word 'lisp' to have an 's' in it?

* How come 'abbreviated' is such a long word?

* If its zero degrees outside today and its supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

* Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

* Why are they called buildings when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts?

* Why are they called apartments when they're all stuck together?

* Why do banks charge you a 'non-sufficient funds' fee on money they already know that you don't have?

* If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

* What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?

* If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

* Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

* When two aeroplanes almost collide, why do they call it a near miss? It sounds like a near hit to me!

* Do fish get cramps after eating?

* Why are there five syllables in the word 'monosyllabic'?

* Why do scientists call it 'research' when they are looking for something new?

* If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

* When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?

* Why is it that when a door is open, its ajar, but when a jar is open, its not a door?

* Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet pain and he has to touch it.

* How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him?

* Why is it fake lemon juice contains mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?

* Why do we wait until a pig is dead to 'cure' it?

* Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

* Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

* Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

* Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as '4s'?

* What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconcious?

* Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

* If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

* Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

* Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertabrate?

* Do married people live longer than single people do, or does it just SEEM longer?

* I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman, 'Where's the self-help section?' She said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.

* If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they still working?

* Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut?