Poison Pens

Newspaper clippings:

A sign seen in a police canteen in Christchurch, New Zealand: 'Will the person who took a slice of cake from the Commisioner's Office return it immediately. It is needed as evidence in a poisoning case.'
- The Guardian, London.

A young girl who was blown out to sea on a set of inflatable teeth was rescued by a man on an inflatable lobster. A coastguard spokesman commented: 'This sort of thing is all too common these days.'
- The Times.

A sex line caller has complained to trading standards officers after dialling a number from an advertisiment entitled 'Hear Me Moan'. The caller was played a tape of a woman nagging her husband for failing to do jobs around the house. Consumer watchdogs refused to look into the complaint, saying, 'He got what he deserved.'
- The Citizen, Gloucester.

Under the heading 'Brussels pays £200,000 to save prostitutes': '...the money will not be going directly into the prostitutes' pocket, but will be used to encourage them to lead a better life. We will be training them for new positions in hotels.'
- Daily Telegraph, London.

We apologise for the error in the last edition, in which we stated that Mr Fred Nicolme is a defective of the Police Force. This was a typographical error. We meant, of course, that Mr Nicolme is a detective in the Police Farce.
- Derby Abbey Community News.

After being charged 20 pounds for a 10-pound overdraft, 30-year-old Michael Howard of Leeds changed his name by deed poll to 'Yorkshire Bank PLC are Fascist Bastards'. The bank has now asked him to close his account, and Mr Bastards has asked them to repay the 69p balance by cheque, made out in his new name.
- The Guardian.

Police, called to arrest a naked man on the platform at Piccadilly Station, released their suspect after he produced a valid rail ticket.
- Manchester Evening News.

'Would the Congregation please note that the bowl at the back of the church, labelled 'For the Sick' is for monetary donations only.'
- Churchdown Parish Magazine.