Save the bogan

Maximumus Tightblackjeanus Withmulletus.

First identified as a sub-species during the mid-70s, the Melbourne Bogan is thought to be a close relation of the Booner (found in Canberra's outer suburbs), the Westie (spread throughout Western Sydney), and the Bevan (Brisbane).

It is believed the initial Melbourne population was introduced to purpose-built habitats such as Frankston and Dandenong. However, by the mid-80s, the species had multiplied to plague proportions, spreading through much of Footscray and further Western regions.

While authorities considered a culling program, they need not have bothered, as the regional population began a rapid decline from the early '90s onwards. The situation has now reached a critical point, with Bogans rarely sighted in Melbourne, and those remaining clinging to the region's outskirts. In the year 2000, the species is now officially endangered.

Identifying a Bogan is not difficult. Males sport a distinctive hair growth called a "mullet" (short front and sides, long at back). Some scientists believe the growth is genetic, while others argue it is a product of nurture, as even extremely young males seem coerced by parents to adopt the growth.

Other distinguishing male characteristics include a tight black denim covering on the hind limbs and bright flannelette markings on the forepaws and belly. Males adopt a dominant status within the community, with a vague sense of rank defined by the ownership of aging Ford and Holden motor vehicles.

Female Bogans are entrusted with the raising of multiple offspring, a role they perform from a young age and often without the presence of the male. They may be similarly identified through distinctive denim markings, though the color is usually "stonewash". In warmer weather, females have been known to shed the lower layer of denim to just below the genital area, resulting in a "cut-off" effect.

Both males and females have been known to cover their lower hind-limbs with furry pouches called "ug-boots." or black "moccies".

While the wild population of Bogans is dwindling, it is still possible to view them in their natural environment. The species has been known to congregate around regional "shopping malls", where family units often come to settle domestic issues using high-pitched wailing sounds.

After sunset, younger males and females meet in small dark enclaves known "Taverns" where they consume large amounts of a liquid called "Bourbon." There are numerous factors attributed to the decline of the local Bogan population.

Scientists have identified the unpopularity of stadium rock as a contributing cause, while the development of adequate social infrastructure (ie. schools, medium-density housing) may have fragmented the species. More controversial theories suggest many bogans may have removed their mullets, purchased "cargo pants" and attempted to integrate themselves in Melbourne's mainstream population, but these claims are yet to be substantiated.

At present there seems little hope of restoring the Bogan population to its previous levels. Recent attempts by the Federal Government have included the development of a new artificial habitat in outer Melbourne named "Sunbury", but it seems this area may be too close to civilised air travel to attract large numbers of the species.

More successful has been an enclosed breeding program in Canberra called "Summernats", which takes place annually at the National Exhibition complex in Watson. The program has proven highly effective, combining motor vehicles and bourbon with rampant displays of female sexuality.

Authorities recently introduced a V8 Supercar race with similar results, and have attracted Bogan elders AC/DC for a brief national visit early next year.