Who said Canadians have no sense of humour?

Quotes from the Montreal comedy festival:

On going to war over religion: 'You're basically killing each other to see who's got the better imaginary friend.' - Rich Jeni.

On the difference between men and women: 'On the one hand, we'll never experience childbirth. On the other hand, we can open all our own jars.' - Jeff Green.

'And God said: "Let there be Satan, so people don't blame everything on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don't blame everything on Satan"' - John Wing.

'What are the three words guaranteed to humiliate men everywhere? "Hold my purse"' - Francois Morency.

'The Web brings people toghether because no matter what kind of a twisted sexual mutant you happen to be, you've got millions of pals out there. Type in "Find people that have sex with goats that are on fire" and the computer will say, "Specify type of goat."' - Rich Jeni.

'Luge strategy? Lie flat and try not to die.' - Tim Steeves.

'Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake whole relationships.' - Jimmy Shubert.

'There are only two reasons to sit in the back row of an aeroplane: either you have diarrhoea, or you're anxious to meet people who do.' - Rich Jeni.

'My girlfriend always laughs during sex - no matter what she's reading.' - Emo Philips.

'Whats with squeegee kids? I mean, they don't really wash the windshield, do they? They simply redistribute the dirt.' - Ken Scott.

'Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex no matter how bad it is.' - Lenny Clarke.

'My cousin just died. He was only 19. He got stung by a bee - the natural enemy of a tightrope walker.' - Emo Philips.

'I saw a woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Thyroid problem?"' - Emo Philips.

'Honesty is the key to a relationship. If you can fake that, you're in.' - Rich Jeni.

'Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps.' - Ren Hicks.

'Something you'll never hear a woman say: "My, what an attractive scrotum!"' - Jeff Green.

'I read somewhere that 77 percent of all mentally ill live in poverty. Actually, I'm more intrigued by the 23 percent who are apparently doing quite well for themselves.' - Emo Philips.

'My parents saw the president they loved get shot in the head. I saw my president get head.' - Elon Gold.

'I discovered I scream the same way whether I'm about to be devoured by a Great White or if a piece of seaweed touches my foot.' -Kevin James.

'Capital punishment turns the state into a murderer. But imprisonment turns the state into a gay dungeon-master.' - Emo Philips.

'My mother never saw the irony in calling me "a son-of-a-bitch".' - Rich Jeni.